On the night I 'rediscovered' myself, I realized one thing – I had done everything
important wrong and it was time to start over. All my life, I had
been a really, really strange person. I have always been the orange
amongst saccharine sweet apples, the bitter aftertaste of a mint
candy, the sad ending to a perfectly sweet story... Which, sadly,
sums up my state of being friendless. Sure, I have a few odd friends
here and there, but to be honest, most of my 'friends' are fictional
characters, inanimate objects or a combination of both. Okay, I admit
– my 'circle' consists of, say, six people, at the very least. Or
most. Why is that? I'll tell you.
Everyday, there's
this part of me that believes that I'll succeed in making an
exceptionally understanding friend out of some random classmate or
stranger. How does that go? It doesn't. It doesn't even go because I
hesitate to talk to anyone who doesn't sit next to me or has no
business with me. So, my plan of finding new, human friends goes down
the drain. A simple smile from a classmate has me fretting. I barely
smile back and when I do, I usually look like a character straight
out of an anime, smiling a smile without my lips showing, with an
impossibly curved line. Okay, it's not that anime-ish (or creepy, for
that matter) but you get the point.
Also, I have
difficulty in talking to people of the opposite sex. I've barely
spoken two words to those in my class and I'm almost sure they were,
“Black pen?”... Sure, I have spent a minute or two admiring a
fellow classmate's impeccable jawline, but, I never really went out
of my way to even nod at him. And he's supposed to be the friendliest
one of the lot. Sheesh. Get a grip? Yeah, right. I've been telling
myself that almost all my life. I did have a really good male friend
but that was a long time ago and we barely acknowledge each other
these days because we got into an argument over our mismatched
schedules and we haven't spoken since. He's an engineering student
and he values his day-life while I am an Arts student with the
sleeping habits of an owl. I do look – and talk to – at the
neighbor's eldest boy who's mostly shirtless, fixing the roof of his
house or walking in the manliest way possible – for a six foot one
boy who just turned 20 – when he goes to play football with his
five foot something friends. And yes, even our conversations consist
of two words, them being “Hi there.”...
I wouldn't nearly
have much trouble talking to people if I had relevant topics to talk
about. I never watch the news or read the newspapers (except for an
occasional glimpse at the astrology and sports section) because I do
not like the idea of seeing how many people died. It saddens me and
makes me think about things I do not enjoy thinking about. I believe,
if it is important enough, I'll find out about it. Somehow. Which is
why I do not have any topics to discuss at school. Even if someone
dares to ask me to say what I truly have in my mind, I would probably
decline the generous offer because it is filled with a boatload of
glittery things they would not be able to comprehend. Like what would
happen if Pokémon were
real, if Taichi had ended up with Sora instead of Yamato, if green
was also included as a primary color... The last one would get the
biggest protests, I can tell.
There's also this
thing I do not like about people – they do not let me have my own
opinion because they seem to think they're always right. I'm allowed
to think that yellow shoes would go with an all-white outfit and so
on. They totally would, though, right? It would look unusually cool,
if you ask me. Anyway, I have no problem when people have their own
glacial opinions but I do not like it when they force it down my
throat. Yes, I believe Kai Hiwatari is beautiful. If someone thinks
otherwise, so be it, just don't try to force your judgment down my
body because I would probably barf it out. I'm as stubborn as they
are, if not more so. That is usually why I don't talk much to other
people.
Another reason I've
made no effort to make new friends is because I don't believe in
having endless acquaintances. I just like the idea of having a few
good friends and laughing and having fun with them. I'm not against
knowing more people though. It's something I rather look forward to,
seeing how rarely they happen. In any case, I treasure my friends
even more than I realize. I've made a fool out of myself on several
occasions and they've always been there to console me afterward, or
better still, join me in making people question our sanity. Sure,
we're not exactly friends like the lovely boys at Kappa Tau from
'Greek' but we're pretty darn close.
Sure, my day
consists of way too much time spent on YouTube (I cannot help it,
Michelle Phan, Promise Tamang-Phan, K.L. Cao, Wayne Goss and Irina
from 'thebeautyvault' are my gurus in the truest sense of the word!)
instead of the real world with grass and clouds but I am working
on it. I am trying to smile more, I am trying to talk more to other
people – which is an outright lie – and I am trying to be more
than just the bitter aftertaste of a mint candy. Sure, Ryan Higa
cracks me up but I am trying to laugh at jokes of real people too. I
must tell you, laughing at things that aren't funny enough to tickle
your pickle is very hard.
So, yeah, tomorrow
is a new day. Maybe I'll make a new friend. If someone, anyone is
reading this at all... maybe you could be my friend. Too weird? Okay.
But, yeah, hopefully, someday, I'll be confident enough to just tell
the boy that he has a gorgeous jawline, to just apologize to my
engineer-friend, to accept the fact that Yamato and Sora were meant
to be just like my first love and I weren't; and that I, even with a
few hundred flaws, make a pretty kickass friend.
Okay, now, it is
time to watch some Nigahiga videos. Excusé
moi.
~AB.
