

Delusional. Delusional is what I am. I've been off Facebook for the longest time ever, and just a few minutes ago, I made the concious decision to log back in. And it did not go well. I felt sick to the bone, I felt suffocated. The façade, the lies, the theories, the conclusions. The reason why I left Facebook, and people have been asking me this for ages, is because it ate me up. It ate up who I really was - a girl who lived in her own little bubble of thoughts and had little to no friends. I don't mind not having any friends. I've previously lied just so I could have friends. I've pretended to be a different person, I've been very, very rude to people and pretended to be a completely different human being; just so I could fit in. I left the social networking site after I realized that the only way to be the real me with everyone, was by detaching. And also, that I didn't need all those friends at all. Because, eventually, through the test of time, only a few have stood up for me. To be quite honest, I almost had a breakdown. I knew I had to calm down, and not burst into tears and feel nothing but hatred for myself. I instantly deleted my account for good and I looked at myself in the mirror and started to draw on my eyes with a gel liner I had bought a few weeks ago. Somehow, somewhere, I calmed down. I saw myself in the mirror again, not the ugly person I once was. That's why I love makeup and art in general - it lets me breathe through it.