18 August 2013


On the night I 'rediscovered' myself, I realized one thing – I had done everything important wrong and it was time to start over. All my life, I had been a really, really strange person. I have always been the orange amongst saccharine sweet apples, the bitter aftertaste of a mint candy, the sad ending to a perfectly sweet story... Which, sadly, sums up my state of being friendless. Sure, I have a few odd friends here and there, but to be honest, most of my 'friends' are fictional characters, inanimate objects or a combination of both. Okay, I admit – my 'circle' consists of, say, six people, at the very least. Or most. Why is that? I'll tell you.

Everyday, there's this part of me that believes that I'll succeed in making an exceptionally understanding friend out of some random classmate or stranger. How does that go? It doesn't. It doesn't even go because I hesitate to talk to anyone who doesn't sit next to me or has no business with me. So, my plan of finding new, human friends goes down the drain. A simple smile from a classmate has me fretting. I barely smile back and when I do, I usually look like a character straight out of an anime, smiling a smile without my lips showing, with an impossibly curved line. Okay, it's not that anime-ish (or creepy, for that matter) but you get the point.

Also, I have difficulty in talking to people of the opposite sex. I've barely spoken two words to those in my class and I'm almost sure they were, “Black pen?”... Sure, I have spent a minute or two admiring a fellow classmate's impeccable jawline, but, I never really went out of my way to even nod at him. And he's supposed to be the friendliest one of the lot. Sheesh. Get a grip? Yeah, right. I've been telling myself that almost all my life. I did have a really good male friend but that was a long time ago and we barely acknowledge each other these days because we got into an argument over our mismatched schedules and we haven't spoken since. He's an engineering student and he values his day-life while I am an Arts student with the sleeping habits of an owl. I do look – and talk to – at the neighbor's eldest boy who's mostly shirtless, fixing the roof of his house or walking in the manliest way possible – for a six foot one boy who just turned 20 – when he goes to play football with his five foot something friends. And yes, even our conversations consist of two words, them being “Hi there.”...

I wouldn't nearly have much trouble talking to people if I had relevant topics to talk about. I never watch the news or read the newspapers (except for an occasional glimpse at the astrology and sports section) because I do not like the idea of seeing how many people died. It saddens me and makes me think about things I do not enjoy thinking about. I believe, if it is important enough, I'll find out about it. Somehow. Which is why I do not have any topics to discuss at school. Even if someone dares to ask me to say what I truly have in my mind, I would probably decline the generous offer because it is filled with a boatload of glittery things they would not be able to comprehend. Like what would happen if Pokémon were real, if Taichi had ended up with Sora instead of Yamato, if green was also included as a primary color... The last one would get the biggest protests, I can tell.

There's also this thing I do not like about people – they do not let me have my own opinion because they seem to think they're always right. I'm allowed to think that yellow shoes would go with an all-white outfit and so on. They totally would, though, right? It would look unusually cool, if you ask me. Anyway, I have no problem when people have their own glacial opinions but I do not like it when they force it down my throat. Yes, I believe Kai Hiwatari is beautiful. If someone thinks otherwise, so be it, just don't try to force your judgment down my body because I would probably barf it out. I'm as stubborn as they are, if not more so. That is usually why I don't talk much to other people.

Another reason I've made no effort to make new friends is because I don't believe in having endless acquaintances. I just like the idea of having a few good friends and laughing and having fun with them. I'm not against knowing more people though. It's something I rather look forward to, seeing how rarely they happen. In any case, I treasure my friends even more than I realize. I've made a fool out of myself on several occasions and they've always been there to console me afterward, or better still, join me in making people question our sanity. Sure, we're not exactly friends like the lovely boys at Kappa Tau from 'Greek' but we're pretty darn close.

Sure, my day consists of way too much time spent on YouTube (I cannot help it, Michelle Phan, Promise Tamang-Phan, K.L. Cao, Wayne Goss and Irina from 'thebeautyvault' are my gurus in the truest sense of the word!) instead of the real world with grass and clouds but I am working on it. I am trying to smile more, I am trying to talk more to other people – which is an outright lie – and I am trying to be more than just the bitter aftertaste of a mint candy. Sure, Ryan Higa cracks me up but I am trying to laugh at jokes of real people too. I must tell you, laughing at things that aren't funny enough to tickle your pickle is very hard.

So, yeah, tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I'll make a new friend. If someone, anyone is reading this at all... maybe you could be my friend. Too weird? Okay. But, yeah, hopefully, someday, I'll be confident enough to just tell the boy that he has a gorgeous jawline, to just apologize to my engineer-friend, to accept the fact that Yamato and Sora were meant to be just like my first love and I weren't; and that I, even with a few hundred flaws, make a pretty kickass friend.

Okay, now, it is time to watch some Nigahiga videos. Excusé moi.